What am I supposed to look like?

Lately, things are such a blur. But every once in a while, there is a moment of clarity or deep reflection. Like stopping in the middle of hanging clothes to peer at myself in a full-length mirror. Do you ever stop and look? I mean really look. The other day, I did. And I wondered ...

What am I supposed to look like?

Sorry if this comes out like a really major dirty laundry list. But I'm hoping that by putting it out there, I'll be able to make some sense of it all and maybe do something about it. Here are some concerns/issues/problems I've been dealing with on the body image front:

Hair and makeup. I like to look nice. And I know how to do my makeup. Hair? Uh. I guess I don't get it. Mine's a little wild and semi-curly, so I tend to scrunch-and-go or pull it into a bun or ponytail. In my past life I was very self-conscious and done-up a lot of the time. Okay, every day, always. In high school and college, I would do a touch-up to my face between every class. Now? Not so much. Actually, I've sometimes prided myself on this fact because I've felt like I'm so much more "wise and mature" now and so much more "comfortable with myself" than I once was. But let's face it. I have two crazy boys and have been an in-cognito semi-single mom for about five years (dad was not always such a willing party on the family scene). Taking care of my hair and makeup just hasn't been a priority for a long time. I always come last after tying shoes, bath time, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, carpool, music lessons, school, laundry ... you know the drill. In the end, I wonder whether it really just comes down to not taking care of myself rather than being "confident" and "natural." And I'm really torn about whether this is something I should work on. And don't get me started on the number of times I've wondered whether not working on it led, at least in some small way, to my husband's porn addiction -- which I KNOW is ludicrous. But I can't help thinking it...

Food. Okay. The boys and I moved in with my parents about two months ago. In the first 6 weeks I lost about 6 pounds. Not on purpose. I just didn't have an appetite and was incredibly sick and nauseated. (I'm pretty sure this happened after the first affair, too. I distinctly remember, the day after I found out, having to rush to the bathroom at a restaurant and vomiting in the middle of dinner. Fun times.) Then after that first month and a half, the binge eating began. Anything chocolate. Anything sweet and especially fresh out of the oven. Down the hatch. All day. Late at night. Lots of breakfast cereal any time, day or night. Comfort food. More comfort food. Gimme, gimme, gimme. *sigh* At least I know this pattern is not an isolated one. (Thank you for your post, Munchies of a Betrayed Wife, back in the day, Jacy!) Anyway ... after about 8 weeks, I've decided I'm really done being on the emotional eating cycle. At this point, it truly is approaching bulimic proportions. So I'm committing now, on a public forum, to give up my seat on the roller-coaster. I just can't take it anymore.

Media. I totally get this one. I do. Warped female images in the media mess with our minds. Trying to emulate them is incredibly unhealthy on so many levels. Blah, blah, blah ... I know the theories behind what's happening on those billboards and in those ad campaigns! And I also know of some great people fighting back. (If you're not familiar with Beauty Redefined, check them out!) I understand all of this with my brain. It's just really hard to feel it in my heart -- in my core. I guess I just haven't absorbed it all to the point that I "get" it. Does that make sense?

My reflection. This has been a really weird one since I left my husband. For the first few weeks, I actually couldn't even look at myself in the mirror naked. Sorry if that's TMI. It's true though. Even though I wasn't the one who had committed adultery, when I looked at myself, I felt a sharp, cutting shame that made me want to turn away, to cover up. I hadn't anticipated that feeling and was very startled by it. To this day, I'm not really sure what to make of it. Anyhow, I followed the advice of my therapist and took a jacuzzi bath with epson salts in an effort to have a "healing, rebirth" experience (as hippie-esque as that sounded :) ), and things have been getting better since then. I admit that, as always, it's hard for me to see the positive when I look in the mirror, but I figure that's pretty typical for a woman, right? At least the feeling of shame has started to dissipate.

Photographs. Looking in the mirror bothers me, but that feeling doesn't hold a candle to the utter self-loathing I feel when I look at a still image. I don't know what it is, but every time I see a current photo of myself, my eyes well up with tears. I don't feel like that all the time when I'm walking around experiencing my life. But somehow, when someone manages to capture and freeze me in a moment of time, I feel self-conscious and really disgusting. And I tend to wonder, "How did I not realized that I looked like that at that moment?" It's so self-destructive I know. In all honesty, I've actually started avoiding the camera rather than going through the psychological trauma of having to look at myself later. And the weird thing is, in that smart brain of mine, I understand that I'm not incredibly repulsive, but I can't seem to help having a near panic attack when I see those current pictures. Another weird thing? Often, when I see old pictures, I think, "Wow, I looked really good back then. Why didn't I realize that I looked good back then? I wish I had enjoyed it then!" It has always been this way, for as long as I can remember. So weird.

Physical trauma. My poor body. It has been through so much. Just in the past three years, I've had a car accident (resulting in full-body whiplash and a softball-sized pancreatic cyst), major abdominal surgery (pancreatectomy/spleenectomy), a pregnancy, and a c-section (less than a year after the pancreatectomy, and my second c-section, too). Once upon a time I was super fit. In my opinion, exercise is awesome for so many reasons, not the least of which is stress relief. And unfortunately, because of my recent medical history, vigorous exercise is something that has been out of my reach for what seems like eons. In short, I have been in survival mode for a long time. When I don't work out, you better look out, if you know what I mean. Since all these injuries and surgeries, I feel like such a  slug and a wimp when it comes to physical activity. I'm just starting to get to the point that I can work up a good sweat again without majorly paying for it. I know I've come a long way, but it's really, really hard to be patient with myself! And I feel humongous. Yuck.

Bouncing back. Do you ever get the feeling that we, as women, are expected to go through these major life changes and then just -- *BOING* -- bounce back to where we were, what we used to look like, like nothing has happened? That is where I'm at. I've been through multiple crises -- like I said a big old, long dirty laundry list. And now I am wondering ... Do I have to just move on and accept the mid-thirties, heavier, more big-chested, divorced, single-mother-of-two version of me? I mean, how depressing does that even sound?! I would say I prefer to be "thirty and flirty and thriving," (13 Going On 30, my generation!) but that description kind of makes me want to gag at this point, too.

Weight and clothing sizes. To be honest, I'm not really sure what's realistic at this point. I know what size I used to wear. I know how much I used to weigh. But now I'm turning 32 and I've had 2 children and I've had 3 surgeries and I'm on X number of medications. I mean, what's my goal supposed to be here, people? Ideally, I'd like to fit into the jeans I was wearing before I had my last baby! Is that going to happen? I'd like to think so. I guess the best thing to do is just give it a shot.

What is the healthy way? There are so many fad diets out there. I would love to do this fast! Right now! But I'm not sure that's the most healthy way. And I'm also not sure it would stick anyway. So, the plan is limit the calories, increase the exercise. That's pretty straightforward, right? I have a food/calories diary and exercise log. I'll give it a try for 4 weeks and see how it goes!

Well ... there it all is in black and white! No more starving, vomiting, or binge eating. Got it, nerves? It's my turn to control you -- not the other way around. Down with the comfort foods! More carrots! And crying no longer counts as exercise! I'm getting my fanny to the gym 3 times a week, minimum. Plus, how GORGEOUS is the weather right now! I can totally walk outside a few times a week this time of year. That's it! I'm committing!

Count on a check-in next Monday, Re: self-image, nutrition, exercise, weight/size check. Fair enough?

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Whoah-whoah-whoah-whoah ... wait a minute! Hold the phone! Did you see how I just did that? I was just re-reading my post and getting ready to sign off, but then I started to think ...

I began the post with a conundrum, I made a list, I promptly convinced myself I had come up with a reasonable solution, and I was ready to go off on my merry way. Plus, the solution was a weight loss plan. And I have started to puzzle about just that fact alone. I mean, what about where I started? What about the real subject of the brainstorm? I didn't start out talking about weight loss, did I?

Here's the real deal: I am at a huge cross-roads in my life right now, and I have a chance to make some big changes for the better if I embrace the opportunity I've been given. That being said, I obviously have some major body image issues to sort through. It would be really huge for me to make strides in this area because it's something that's disrupted my life on sooooo many levels (psychological, physical, sexual, you name it ... ) for as long as long as I can remember. But you know what? I don't think losing some weight is going to solve all my problems. I've done that before. I've gotten down to an "ideal body weight," and like I said, I've gotten to a place where I really looked good (or at least I could admit it to myself when looking at pictures years later). But I think my problem is bigger. And I think maybe this is a really great time to pause, take a look, try to wrap my mind around it, and really conquer it ... whatever that may mean.

So my conclusion:

What am I supposed to look like?

At this point in my life, I have no idea. And I guess that's okay. I'm just going to keep taking it a day at a time, and I suppose I'll figure it out eventually. As for the weight loss plan? Meh. Sure! Why not? Maybe it will help with my self-esteem issues, anyway. And it will definitely be healthier in the long run. Whether I will get back into my jeans? Hah. We shall see. I guess a girl can hope. ;)