Five years ago, the first time I found out my husband was cheating, I felt like a part of me died. But I kept pushing, kept trying ... I did everything I knew how to keep my marriage together. It didn't work. I warned him once, that if it happened again I would leave. And it did. So I left. And the truth is, the cheating wasn't even the whole problem. In fact, it was just a symptom of a much larger, much deeper problem: sex addiction. I watched in agony over a nine-year period as my companion and best friend succumbed to the addictive powers of pornography and then became wound and trapped in the snares that surround it. By the time I left, there was very little left of the man I knew and adored. And I had become invisible to him long before that.
It is that feeling of invisibility that fuels me now, that propels me forward, that makes me want to make a difference. For so many years, I let my soul disintegrate. I became a placeholder: someone that defined others around me but had no meaning in and of myself. Like a zero in a big, long number. The part of me that had died inside never fully revived, but I kept pressing forward and putting on a face like it had. Inside I felt hollow and empty. Misunderstood and alone. Paranoid and unforgiving in the deepest, darkest places inside myself. I felt like I would just go on living that way forever until I could make myself get over it and move on.
But mostly I felt alone.
When I freed myself from my silence and went looking for help, I was amazed at what I found! So many resources! So many others who were in similar circumstances ... and they were sharing with each other and supporting each other! And all that time when I had felt so isolated and had suffered through it alone, they had only been a mouse-click away! I was flabbergasted! During all those years of suffering ... I wish I had known!!!
As I have read these blogs and searched through these websites, I have been so inspired by the stories, talks, artwork, poetry, music, and tidbits I've found. And I've started to wonder ... how do I fit into the mix? For now, I feel like the answer is this: I want to help. I want to be a signpost. I'm dedicated to doing research into the websites, blogs, and resources that can best help those who are suffering as a result of pornography and sex addiction. And I don't mean just victims like me. I have seen both sides. I ache for people like my husband who have lost everything because of this awful plague. I've seen firsthand the emptiness and confusion it brings. I've watched it obliterate lives that were once wholesome and abundant with beauty and joy.
In short, I believe that some people are simply unaware of the help that is available. There are so many resources! Others suffer in isolation when there is no need to feel alone. There are places to go in those dark times. My hope is to spread the light and knowledge I have found (and continue to find) along my journey. So come visit often, and tell your friends. And when you come, don't just check out the current stuff -- sweep the sidebar and tabs too! I'll keep them chock full of live feeds, new stuff on the blog roll, and links to helpful sites in the anti-porn war! I can't promise that everything I post will be earth-shattering. But I will try to post things that are at least uplifting or informative. Bear with me as I find my niche! In any case, I will be alongside for the journey!
Stay strong! You are not alone.
Healing At Heaven's Fountain
"Thy mercy, O Lord, is in the heavens; and thy faithfulness reacheth unto the clouds ... for with thee is the fountain of life: in thy light shall we see light." -Psalms 36