Today is the anniversary of my D-day. Well ... one of them anyway. The worst one. The final one.
It's been a hard day.
What better way to cope than to start a new blog? Eh? Actually, I've been planning this for a while. A fresh new space. A space where I can be myself. My real self. It's my turn to be brave.
Come visit. Follow me.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
I'm having growing pains. I'm not quite sure what to do with this space, this blog of mine. I think I will leave it as it is--as a monument to where I've been. But now I'm running away to bigger and better things.
Ever since I started my journey, since I broke away from my addict's roller-coaster and began my own thrill ride, I've had a dream. I want to create a place where people can find resources about Pornography Addiction. Not just articles and books. Organizations. Did you know there are HUNDREDS of organizations out there? All over the world? I'm finding them. And I'm working to put them at everyone's fingertips.
And on the side, I'll be telling my story again. But this time it will be different.
Stay tuned. Something electrifying is in the works ... Actually a few somethings, and I have my fingers in all of them in some way. More than just STUFF this time, I promise.
I'll be back.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Thursday, December 26, 2013
So ... in this mess of pornography addiction, marriage, and possibly in-the-flesh cheating, where does the 'D' word come into play, anyway? Let me just start by saying it's not my place to tell anyone where that line has been crossed--you know the magical line that takes a relationship into a realm where divorce is the answer. I know wives of addicts wonder about this though. I know because they've told me. I also know because I was once the wife of an addict.
For some women, learning that their husband is an addict is enough. The end. Others live with it, struggle with it--for years or even indefinitely. And here's my answer for all you ladies out there: One choice is not necessarily better or worse, right or wrong for every single couple. You will have to figure out what's right for you, regardless of what anyone else says, and just go with it. Follow your gut. But also, be aware that time is a funny thing. Time can change things--for better or worse. Your path might be straightforward, or dynamic and ever-evolving. If you feel a change in the wind and the need to make a course-correction, trust yourself.
On the religious side of things, some scripture passages regarding divorce can get kind of tricky and even confusing. For instance, this one:Whosoever aputteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery. (Luke 16:18)
Wait! What? My ex is an adulterer, so if he divorces me and marries his mistress, he is still an adulterer, right?But, if I get divorced and remarried, I'm committing adultery too? Whaaa? This particular passage has troubled me a lot, but I recently found a theory that helped me make some sense out of it:
"The Lord then described a higher law of marriage: “Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.” (Matt. 19:9; [underline] added.) That is, in the spirit of a higher law, his statement suggests that those who divorce for reasons other than sexual infidelity and then marry someone else have unrighteously divorced, and they commit adultery; but the woman or man whose spouse commits adultery, thus breaking the marriage covenant, may choose to divorce the offending spouse and may marry again and not commit adultery." ("I Have a Question" Ensign Jan. 1993)
This is just a small blurb. If you are interested, I highly recommend reading the full article. Basically, the gist of it is that in the Lord's eyes, the ideal is no divorce whatsoever. However, because we are weak and imperfect, he has made some allowances. From the beginning, even in Moses' time, the Lord has allowed divorce on the grounds of sexual infidelity. Other reasons aren't so cut and dry. But pornography addiction is a funny one isn't it? I've often heard people in the porn addiction recovery realm say that "looking is cheating," for several reasons--not the least of which is because a true addict is projecting the majority of his/her sexual energy elsewhere, leaving nothing for the marriage bed.
Anyway ... my point is this: It is natural for those of us, whether we are addicts or loved ones, to question our marriage relationships. We wonder, "When do I decide that enough is enough?" or "Do I dare mention the dreaded 'D' word?" (not as a manipulation, but as a real option). There are places to go for advice. We can talk to people about it until we are blue in the face. We can read the scriptures to find out what the Lord and church leaders have said about divorce in general. But when it all comes down to it, there's just not a bar-none absolute right answer for each couple. In the end, you will need to make your own boundaries, set your own limits, and take action (or not) when you feel it is appropriate. It might not always be the easy way, but it's the healthy way.
To view this post on the Hope & Healing Website, click here.
Friday, November 15, 2013
One of the mainstream newspapers in the UK displays full frontal nudity on p. 3 in every issue, and people have finally started to take a stand against it. How would you feel if you were sitting in a coffee shop next to customers blatantly discussing the porn on p. 3? What about a nurse tending to a patient in a hospital who is commenting on the boobs on p. 3. How does she feel? How about an elementary art teacher prepping for the day who has to cut this page out from each newspaper before she can lay them out for the students? These are all instances I have read about on their site, and citizens are not standing for it any more. Help us stand with them.
Have you signed the petition yet? Do it!
Don't live in the UK? Doesn't matter. Your signature counts.
Another easy way to connect with them is to find them on facebook. Here's the link to their fan page: https://www.facebook.com/NoMorePage3
Below is an update I just got this morning via email. Great stuff!!!
We are so pleased to tell you that last week there was debate about Page 3 in The Scottish Parliament!
It gained cross party support and MSPs urged the Editor of The Scottish Sun, Gordon Smart, to “take his paper into the twenty first century by consigning Page 3 to the dustbin of history". Huge thanks to Jackie Baillie, Scottish Labour MSP for Dumbarton, who led the Members’ Debate.
Watch it here! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvNthlR1P-w
Students around the country are working hard to say No More Page 3 too! Abertay, Birmingham City, Bradford, Cambridge, Cardiff, Chester, Durham, Dundee, Edinburgh, East Anglia, Essex, LSE, Manchester Met, Manchester, Newcastle, Sheffield, Stirling, UCL, Winchester, York St John and Brasenose College, St Hugh’s College, New College, University College and Teddy Hall, Oxford have all removed the newspaper from their shops until the Sun drops Page 3!
Also, as you know NMP3 has inspired A LOT of creativity, well, now a choir has written and recorded us a song! It’s glorious!https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4xYt_b8a14
A theatre company is holding a play writing competition, inviting people to write short plays inspired by the campaign!
AND, this weekend is the 43rd anniversary of Page 3. We’re quite sure it will be the last one, after all with so many people, organisations and charities who work to end violence against women, saying ‘please, stop it, these pictures are damaging’ - how long can the Sun continue to show these pictures?
JOIN US this weekend at one of the many protests that are going on around the country! (or do something yourself to say No More Page 3) Details here: http://nomorepage3.org/news/page-3-43rd-birthday-protests/
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Way down on your “I Don’t Want To Do” list, there might be an item like this: “Warn my kids about porn.” What are you waiting for? Don’t know what to say? Check out this article:
|Photo Credit: Deseret News|
on Power of Moms
I would say, check out this AMAZING article or this SUPER COOL, FANTASTIC article, but I am a little biased because ... well ... I wrote it. Hee hee.
Truth be told, I'm pretty giddy that it got published. :) It ran on the Deseret News website today, too! April Perry, founder of Power of Moms, posted it in place of her column, "Motherhood Matters," this week. What an honor!
Monday, September 30, 2013
|Photo Credit: Utah Disaster Kleenup|
As I sat in the General Relief Society broadcast for the LDS church Saturday night, I thought of all of you--particularly the wives of porn addicts. Linda S. Reeves shared a beautiful message about the power of the Atonement that pierced my heart, and as I listened, I knew I had to run home and post it! My favorite part was when she talked about the Provo tabernacle being gutted by a terrible fire. Many people wondered: 'Surely the Lord could have stopped the fire, or at least prevented so much damage. Why didn't he stop it?' But they didn't know what he had in mind. Just a few months later, President Monson announced to a dumbstruck congregation that the edifice would be transformed into a beautiful temple. The Lord had known from the beginning. He had allowed the interior to be completely destroyed, so that he could rebuild it inside, into something more glorious than anyone could have imagined. How many of us have felt that way in the midst of all of this muck? Destroyed. Gutted by fire. But can we really imagine what the Lord has in store?
|Photo Credit: LDS Church Temples|
In one particular part of her address, she reached out to those who are suffering from the choices of others--because of family members who have broken covenants. She referenced a passage in the Book of Mormon in which Jacob gives a sermon about the law of chastity. Sister Reeves emphasized that this passage is meant specifically for our day, and told us that he is speaking as if the Savior were talking directly to us. This chapter (Jacob 2) is near and dear to my heart, and I have marked those verses and wet those pages with my tears many times in past years as I've struggled through the addictions of my own first husband. The words bring such understanding and compassion for the women and children:
"And also it grieveth me that I must use so much boldness of speech concerning you, before your wives and your children, many of whose feelings are exceedingly tender and chaste before God ... to enlarge the wounds of those who are already wounded ... [and who] have daggers placed to pierce their souls and wound their delicate minds. ... Wherefore, my brethren, hear me, and hearken to the word of the Lord: For there shall not any man among you have save it be one wife; and concubines he shall have none; For I, the Lord God, delight in the chastity of women. And whoredoms are an abomination before me; thus saith the Lord of Hosts ... For behold, I the Lord, have seen the sorrow, and heard the mourning of the daughters of my people in the land of Jerusalem, yay, and in all the lands of my people, because of the wickedness and abominations of their husbands."
So many times I've read these verses and thought, 'He knows. At least Jacob knows how I feel. And the Lord does hear my cries.'
I encourage you to listen to the talk and to read the words in Jacob whenever you feel alone.
You are never alone.