Reborn

photo credit

"I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me."

~Galatians 2:20

Bare

I took off my ring today after more than ten years. All day, I kept brushing the inside of my fourth finger with my thumb and panicking that I had left my band somewhere ... dropped it ... lost it. It's a strange sensation. A void. I thought I had already let go completely and that this was just an exercise. I didn't expect to feel such an emptiness in that space, where something has been for so long.

photo credit

News!

by Vladimir Kush

My divorce decree arrived. Signed, stamped, and sealed. It's finally over.

But at the same time, it's really just a new beginning.

I can breathe again. 

In fact, I may or may not have run squealing and singing through the house waving my papers in the air like a flag. :) :) :)

I made it.

I did it.

I made it through.

Now, onward to my new, fresh slate. Life can only get better from here. I feel like one of the children of Israel walking past the Egyptians on the way out of town!

Starting to remember

"I am satisfied that the more unkindly a wife is treated, the less attractive she becomes. She loses pride in herself. She develops a feeling of worthlessness. Of course it shows." 
~Gordon B. Hinckley, "Our Solemn Responsibilities," Ensign, Nov. 1991

photo credit

I have been thinking about this quotation a lot since I left my husband six months ago. I think it is safe to say that by that time, my self-esteem was in the toilet and had been flushed several times. I have often commented to close friends that when I arrived at my parents' I was the "fat girl with glasses." And it wasn't situational. That was my life. That was who I had become -- a dejected, unkempt, homely second-grader. That is how I was living my life.

As the divorce proceedings are drawing to a close, I am in transition again -- thrust into the world as a single woman in her early thirties. I didn't think I was ready, but I am getting there. I have spent so long in survival mode that I had forgotten what it felt like to live and breathe. I am remembering. Slowly.

I just spent more than a month away from my children. To say I missed them is the understatement of the century. Most days I felt as though two appendages had been torn from my body. But in the midst of my personal hell, something happened that I did not expect. I started to remember who I am ... who I was before all the trauma. Under all the layers of agony, mental anguish, depression, anxiety, panic, turmoil, and paranoia, there was a person. Me. I hadn't seen her in a while. She came out to visit during those few weeks. I like her. I think maybe I'll keep her around from now on.

During my "me" time, something else unexpected happened. I started getting a little bit of male attention. Weird, right? It seems as though I am not utterly repulsive to the male gender after all! Could it be? I just might have a little bit of appeal left. And confidence? Maybe a smidgen. And as much as I hate to admit it, a wink from a cute guy at the grocery store made me walk a little taller one day. Getting asked out a couple times didn't hurt either. Why do I hate to admit this? Because I was hoping I could fix my self-esteem issues on my own. I wish I didn't need a handsome man to fill that need. But let's be honest: having a couple guys show interest has made a big difference for me.

I feel like I'm digging out these aspects of myself like an archaeologist excavating dinosaur bones. The self-worth, confidence, and social skills are in there somewhere; I just have to dust them off. It sounds strange, but I really am having to talk myself into being okay with being a person and a woman again now that I've lost my definitive role as "wife." At least I still have the ever-familiar and beloved title of "mother." Now I just need to get to work digging out all the shattered fragments of my "self" from the wreckage.

Forever

Waiting ... waiting ... waiting ... waiting ... waiting ... for the divorce ... papers ... to be final ...

Lost

Photo Credit

Twelve steps to recovery

I was browsing around the LDS Combating Pornography website today and found this in the Video Gallery. If you haven't peeked at the site in a while, you should! They have made quite a few changes, and it is looking pretty slick.

The best is yet to be

photo credit

"We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future." -Jeffrey R. Holland,
("The Best is Yet to Be," Ensign, January 2010)

Dancing in the rain

photobucket

It rained tonight. In fact, it was a torrential downpour. My friend had scooped me up to take me out for a much-needed girls' night, and as we drove through sheets of water, the gutters began to overflow and mini-rivers gurgled down the drains around us. Enormous bursts of lightning blazed across the sky like natural fireworks. Undaunted, she popped in some music and beamed at me: "This is a perfect time for me to play you this song," she said. "I is so you! Every time I hear it I think of you."

Thank you to my sweet friend for believing in me and for reminding me to dance in the rain rather than drowning in it...

All I need now is a polka-dot umbrella. :)

"Dancing in the Rain" Lyrics 

by Hilary Weeks

It clouded over on Monday morning
And I'd hoped to wake up to sunshine
Come Tuesday I think I felt it
A little raindrop on top of my head 
On Wednesday no mistakin' it
By Thursday no escaping it 
The storm had rolled in

I thought about going back to bed
Or reading the book on my nightstand
I considered calling the weather man
Just to ask when it might end

I did something you would not have thought
I grabbed my polka-dot umbrella
And I opened the door... 

And I danced in the rain 
I let my dreams know I hadn't forgotten them 
I let my heart take the lead and 
I told my hopes to get themselves up again
And I danced, I looked, yes I danced in the rain
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/h/hilary_weeks/dancing_in_the_rain.html ]
I invited my worries to step aside
I needed room to see in front of me
As the raindrops fell on my overcoat
I let 'em roll right off of my back

And I waited for the rainbow
Cause Heaven and me we both know
This storm's gonna pass... 

And I danced in the rain 
I let my dreams know I hadn't forgotten them 
I let my heart take the lead and 
I told my hopes to get themselves up again
And I danced, I looked, yes I danced... 

I danced till my fears washed away
Then I thanked the rain for coming... today
So I could dance in the rain 
And let my dreams know I hadn't forgotten them

I danced in the rain 
I let my dreams know I hadn't forgotten them 
I let my heart take the lead and 
I told my hopes to get themselves up again
And I danced, I looked, yes I danced in the rain

I'm dancing in the rain

Drowning

photo credit

I signed the papers
yesterday.
Every time I take another step forward,
another part of my dies.
Why?
Isn't this what I wanted?
To break free?
To find independence?
Happy independence day
to all the perfect happy families around me
celebrating together
while I drown
in my tears
alone.

A picnic
or a firework
does little to brighten
my countenance today as I muffle
the soft whimpers of shattered dreams
and cradle empty arms from which my screaming, straining baby was ripped
only hours ago.

Hope & Healing Spotlight!

Hello, my friends. Do you remember weeks and weeks ago when I was seriously giddy and posted a tease about how I would tell you why later. (If you missed it, the post was, "Part of something bigger." Well ... here's why: I hooked up with Michelle, the amazing lady who started up the Hope & Healing forum, and I'm now an administrator on the public side, the Hope & Healing Blog. (*applause, applause, applause*) YES! I'm so psyched! I mean, really!!! The purpose of the H&H blog is exactly the same as the goal of my own blog -- to gather and organize resources for addicts and loved ones. And now I have a whole legitimate playground to do it on. A legitimate domain! And a real, live organization to help out! It's what I've been praying for from the very beginning: the power to make a BIG difference! 

Annnnnd ... Here's the latest: I've recently started a new feature on the site called "Blogs of Note." So, scoot on over to the Hope & Healing Blog, and see what it's all about! And keep your eyes peeled! If you're a blogger in the S.A. network, YOU could be next!