Millions of shades of gray

guerillapoetess

I didn't laugh today. However, I did get out of bed. And I did take care of my children. So, I consider it to have been a successful day. I also received the first draft of my divorce papers and plunged into a deep, dark place that I wasn't expecting to see after several days running of sunshine and blue skies. (Truly! I've had a wonderful few days!) It never ceases to amaze me how reading the next set of legal paperwork can set me back so far emotionally. I feel as if I was drowning at the bottom of a swimming pool when I left my husband. And ever so slowly, I've been bubbling closer to the surface. But every once in a while -- oops -- here comes a rock falling through the water and banging me in the head. The ones from my attorney feel more like cinder-blocks aimed right at my midsection that cause my body to cave and plunge to the bottom again. Not that my attorney is such a bad guy. He's actually really great! It's just that the legal issues I've had to handle, the ordeal, the emotional strain of it all has often been almost more than I can bear. And today I finally figured out why. It's not just black and white, like the lines of type on the crisp, orderly contracts I've been poring through. It's mushy and amorphous, complicated and confusing. There are so many shades of gray.

Take the divorce itself. Is it right? I know it is. Is it easy? Heck no! Is it always so plain and perfect and obvious for me to see the end from the beginning? Not a chance. You'd think after all I've been through, it would be so clear, right? Porn addiction, lies, double life, neglect, utter betrayal, adultery = I hate him = divorce. No question. Easy-peasy. Right? But it's just not that cut and dry. Know why? Because I'm human and I have emotions. That is where the gray comes in. For instance: pain. Pain makes things gray. Staying is painful. Leaving is painful. What about fear? Fear is like a gray shadow. I was so afraid to think about what would happen if I'd stayed after all I knew; however, leaving is one of the scariest things I have ever done in my life. My conclusion: There is no easy answer.

And what about "adultery"? (This one really infuriates me!) The term "adultery" really shouldn't be gray, but somehow it has become that way. We live in a world where there is a new, wider spectrum of cheating: sexting, prostitution, exotic massages, matchmaking websites for adulterers, lap dances, iphone apps for cheaters, cybersex. Every day, there seems to be some new and exciting way for people to get their sexual kicks other than wholesome sex with their own spouse or an even more secure way to hide the infidelity. The other day, I actually read a list of terms on a website that defined several different types of affairs and I was suddenly enlightened as to how my husband could claim he did not "actually have an affair" five years ago in spite of  being heavily and exclusively involved with one woman via phone, email, and text over a year-long period. It seems to some people this is not technically "adultery"; it is just an "online affair." Now let me see if I have this right. If I was reading correctly, couples today are aware of this cheating spectrum, if you will, which includes an array of  choices like pornography, emotional affair, online affair, sexual affair. They sit down, discuss where they are going to draw the line in this spectrum (what is/is not acceptable in their relationship and what is/is not considered cheating). Then they decide what to do about it if the other spouse crosses the line? That is honestly one of the saddest things I have ever heard. My heart aches to hear such a hard, pathetic reality being broadcast as though it were common knowledge. Is it common knowledge?

Is this gray area in marriage just part of reality?

Was I bamboozled into thinking I was marrying someone, giving my entire heart, body, and soul exclusively to him without reserve, without question and that I was justified in asking for the same in return?

I feel sick. All these shades of gray cloud my eyes and my brain. They make everything so foggy that I feel as though I'm suffocating.

I can hear the black thunder. It's raining.